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andydives  Gecko's & White Cock-Koh Samui 07/06/2006 06:41 |
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GECKOS AND WHITE COCK
Geckos, cute little critters, stumpy little tail, cute little face, little feet with suction cups on them, hell in Australia Bridgestone tyres uses one as a dam TV mascot to prove how well their tyres grip and everyone has fallen in love with him and the series of commercials, who in their right mind would want to hurt one?
Me that’s who!
In our country we have the Asian barking gecko, some years ago he hitched a ride over on a container ship and bred like crazy and we all think their great because they keep the bugs down and make that funny little barking sound around dusk each evening….
You’re wrong you miss guided people! They’re the devils spawn!! What they (the geckos) didn’t tell you is that they’re the first wave, they left their cousins back in Asia looking after the shop while they went out and conquered the world; country at a time.
They also didn’t tell you that he’s the BIGGER cousin, actually bigger isn’t the right word, he’s the Godzilla of geckos. He’s bloody huge, about the size of our blue tongue lizard but without the laid back aussie attitude, oh no this buggers mean, sneaky too with a sick and evil twisted little gecko mind. Sadistic that’s the word; he’s the child your mother warned you never to play with, and with good reason.
The resident torturer in my bungalow not only thinks he’s Pavarotti but has the nasty mean spirited habit of giving his concerts as I try to sleep!
His plaintiff calls..Geek-koooh…. amplified by the unbelievably good acoustics in the confined area of my bathroom (at least that’s where it seems to come from) have become the bain of my life!
Quite a pleasant life it was too, simple, peaceful, uncomplicated. I have tried to be reasonable ; I’ve held polite discussions with him (well I was mildly pissed on thai whiskey) imploring him to take up residence in the unused bungalow next door….to no avail……….I’ve snuck in there mid serenade and tried to gas him with half a can of bug spray…ha…he just sucked it up cleared his little gecko throat and sung louder, I crawled all over my bungalow on my hands and knees with my less than suntanned bum poked high in the air, peeking under beds and behind various items of furniture, again admittedly I was slightly awash in thai whiskey( I need it to sleep!!! That’s my excuse)
I’ve banged on every fixture looked in every crevice and it still mystifies me as to where he’s hiding in order to even give his bloody virtuoso performances.
This is not a small lizard that we’re talking about, this sucker so I’m led to believe by my thai hosts is around a foot long…….I don’t know what the hell that is in centimetres…. So where is he you may ask? Well it turned out he was hiding in the toilet!.....shudder…the thought of the family jewels being so close to one’s mortal enemy is not a good one ….hell that could mentally scar me for life…… How do I know he’s in the loo? Mr Min, my gardener, that’s how! What a legend, an absolute bloody fully fledged champion, and brave too, with no concern for his own safety he sallied forth to do battle with the child of Satan.
What ensued sounded like world war three banging and grunting and several dozen words in Thai that I’m sure will never make it into the lonely planets phrase book. Mr Min emerged victorious; bloodied from the fray and weary from battle he proudly held up the limp body of my nemesis, he then promptly took the carcass off to his hut smiling and mumbling about good tucker? Yuk….
WHITE COCK
This unbelievably simple name for a local whiskey…it has a picture of a white rooster on the front of the bottle… ( my current choice of poison due to the stunning price of 120bht- 4dollars) is providing a never ending source of amusement for the Falangs (westerners) you can picture it now can’t you, sidling up to the bar and asking your drinking mates - both male and female - “would you fancy a shot of white cock”
Further such statements go along the line of “jeez I got a lot of white cock in me last night “or “have you had much white cock since you’ve been in Thailand?” this is usually asked of some poor long suffering backpacker female, the same female backpacker can later be heard, as she staggers down one of the soi’s (lanes) calling out at the top of her voice; to the amusement of her mates “where can I get some white cock!!”
The really funny blokes ask these and other stunningly brilliant questions to the lady boys in the gay bars and think it’s hilarious, if only they knew!
Even buying this stuff can be a total crack up, here you are standing in line with several other falangs in the 711 and trying to ask the thai staff who’s English at best is bad “can I buy white cock here?” or “do you have any white cock” all you can hear from behind you are the giggles from the rest of the whites in the line!
I know its endless, the puns are both good and bad and I must admit that when delivered without thinking can truly be hilarious, sometimes you just have to let them have free reign ……so in the spirit of things “go and get some white cock in ya mate!”. Crass I know but it had to be done!
I’ll just leave you with a small mental picture shall I……?
Me, in the middle of the night, chasing that bloody gecko, butt naked, crawling around the room on my hands and knees, day glow white bum in the air and full of WHITE COCK……..only ever in Thailand.
Good night john boy.
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